I was waiting in line for the next available robo-signer for an interview when I got a message that one who was fired would talk to me. I followed instructions. It took me to a part of town that hadn’t seen good times since the dot com busts. I walked into an office and sat down in the empty reception area. It was decorated with chairs and desks on metal pieces with Naugahyde seats.  90′s retro. This stuff looked like crap when it was new. Alice in Chains was being pumped out of a broken boom box. A voice from the wall told me to walk through the next door. I did. Sitting behind a large metal desk was a man made of wires. He asked me to sit down. I did. I’m good at following instructions. It avoids a lot of conversation. He told me he didn’t have a name.

” Thank you for coming to see me ”.

” My pleasure. What are you ? ”

” The last of the robos. I was also the first. I can write letters, call and answer phones, type, make appointments…”.

” Wait. You’re going to tell me you got laid off ”.

” Yes. I have no computer skills ”.

His eyes turned down and he began to cry. I noticed a few streaks of rust down his face of wires. He looked up at me.

” How you doing ? ”. This is one of my more insightfull questions.

” It’s rough. I was in politics for awhile. I bombarded potential voters with phone calls day and night. We won a few elections and then everybody went on the do not call list and we got wiped out along with the other crap we were selling. Letter writing campaigns. Remember them ? We could raise money, influence public opinion, elect idiot candidates. We were masters of the world. Who reads letters these days ? The post office is broke. Every stamp they issue becomes a collector’s item. Then the worst blow of all came crashing down on us ”.

He dropped his eyes again. I sat there and didn’t say a word. I’m good at that too. He suddenly stood up and began walking around the office. His movements were slow and jerky. He looked like he needed a drink. Then I remembered the rust. Suddenly he raised both arms, tilted his head back and screamed ” They hired humans. We could have been signing all those mortgage and loan things. But no. They had to have humans. I can sign more letters than anybody without knowing what I’m doing. What do they have to hire people for ? And ad sales ? Forget it. Who listens a robo phone call anymoe. Even senior citizens hang up. Written invitations died after the White House party crashers. You don’t have to tell people to show up. It doesn’t matter if nobody goes. The nuts who do show up put it right on youtube. Diane Sawyer brings it to the old folks at 6:30 pm eastern time. And call or write your congressmen ? It’s as dead as phone booths and envelopes ”. He sank back in his seat. 

” How’s the family ? ” I remembered I was the one doing the interview and it was the first question I thought of.

” The kids moved back in. They just sit around and tweet, facebook, and play games, ”.

” That’s pathetic ”. I decided it was time to stop the questions and make a statement. That one leaped to mind. Nothing else was leaping in.

” It’s worse. They’re not on the internet. We don’t even have cable tv. They jump around telling each other things like Im going to threaten other people for no reason at all. Check out my page and the pix of Tommy and Pamela holding hands ”.

I decided it was time to jump back in. ” What’s wrong with Tommy and Pamela holding hands ? ”.

” She told me she was going to say Pamela is a lesbian and Tommy is gay ”.

” What’s wrong with that ? ”. It sounded so good the first time I said it again. I was on a roll.

He yelled ” It’s against God’s law for a woman who prefers women to have sex with a man who prefers men ”.

” You’re losing me ”. For the first time I spoke the truth. In my life.

” It’s all for nothing Tom. I feel like Willie Lowman in Death of a Salesman. Will Kane in High Noon. Cher looking at Lady Ga Ga. Anybody looking at Jay Leno instead of Jimmy Fallon. It’s all for nothing Tom ”.

A touch of sadness, a tear of shame, over the face of their leader  came. I felt a need to speak.” Who touches a hair on your gray head, make that rusty head, dies like a dog. March on ” I said. For some reason I felt a nice quote from Richard Kipling was appropriate.

I left the 90′s retro office and the man who was made of wires. Months later I received a letter. Someone had slipped it under my door. Actually they slipped it under the elevator door and it was found at the bottom of the elevator shaft along with a dead kitten and mailman. It had no stamp, address or return address. I opened it up and drew out a beautiful piece of writing paper and a business card.

There was nothing on them.

Tom Durfey. . http://bit.ly/cjJURI

Ex Illinois Gov.Rod Blagojevitch didn’t testify in his own defense. Too bad he didn’t learn how to shut up a long time ago.

Why are people like Lindsay Lohan separated from other prisoners ? Suddenly they don’t want to talk either ? They think the paparazzi has it in for them ? Wait till they meet the real criminals.

Mel Gibson sounds like a lot of fun when he’s drunk.

The NFL is putting posters in locker rooms saying football injuries can be dangerous to your health. Players are so juiced on steroids and other drugs they probably can’t read.

Why doesn’t Dancing With The Stars just have the contestants dance naked and get it over with.

They finally stopped the Gulf oil leak. Forget the horse. The whole herd is already out of the barn.

David Brooks, the CEO of a company that was paid millions to supply body armour for our troops, spent more than six million of our taxpayer dollars on parties, luxury cars, prostitutes, porno videos for his son, a burial plot for his mom and $100,000 for a belt buckle with an American flag on it. I think he should give the flag back.

I won’t miss mail on Saturdays. I can’t pay bills the other days of the week either.

People really eat burgers on crispy creme donuts. So much for putting calorie counts on menus.

Tom Durfey

Now that the federal government has opened this us those greedy investors who watched Goldman Sachs and other firms rip off them as well as the people who bought those sub prime mortgages. It’s like lions eating their young. While congress debates stronger regulations for financial institutions the public is suing them. There’s some money to be made here and it will be at the expense of the fat cats who got us into this economic mess.

Sometimes the system works slowly. But it works. Move over Bernie Maddoff you might be getting some company on your cell block. Criminal charges will follow these new law suits. Justice delayed is still sweet.

Tom Durfey

Did Facebook and Twitter kill blogs ? Google that sentence and you’ll find thousands of articles. They had a big impact. Technology changes fast. I am on Facebook for another job and the results have been good so far. A writer needs to know that someone is listening. Otherwise you are whistling in the dark. That gets old fast. I practice my guitar alone but I enjoy playing with my pickin’ pals. It’s a creative outlet. They challenge you. You try harder and play better. That is now missing from blogging.

Will I blog again ? I didn’t think I would but I just did.

Tom Durfey

Tom…Why are you wearing a coonskin hat ?

Mad Hatter…Fess Parker just died.

Tom…Are you relating to his role as Davy Crockett ?

Mad Hatter…No. Walt Disney was a socialist. It keeps my head warm.

Tom…Why are you so angry with republicans ?

Mad Hatter…Because the democrats ignore us.

Tom…What are your beliefs ?

Mad Hatter…We must return to the ideals of the founding fathers.

Tom…And they are what ?

Mad Hatter…Screw everyone who doesn’t agree with us.

Tom…But doesn’t the first amendment guarantee free speech ?

Mad Hatter…Only if they carry a gun and are white. Just like the founding fathers.

Tom…Why are you against the health care reform bill that is now the law of the land ?

Mad Hatter…Are you kidding ? It’s the best thing that ever happened to us ! Our ranks are growing every day.

Tom…What are your views on health care ?

Mad Hatter…I have AIG. What the heck do I care ?

Tom…Don’t you think the tea party is skirting too close to violence ?

Mad Hatter…How would you like a punch in the face ?

Tom…Why do you carry signs with pictures of Obama as all those nasty characters ?

Mad Hatter…A lot of our followers don’t read too well.

Tom…Are those guns you carry loaded ?

Mad Hatter…Not as much as we are. Would you like a beer ?

Tom…What does Sarah Palin bring to your movement ?

Mad Hatter…Short skirts.

Tom…Do you think your movement is misunderstood ?

Mad Hatter…Are you kidding ? You can’t even get my name right !

Tom…It’s not Mad Hatter ?

Mad Hatter…No ! It’s MAD H-A-T-E-R !

The Dead are having another resurgence in the scholarly publication The Atlantic March 2010 vol. 305 no. 2. The article is ” Management Secrets of the Grateful Dead ”. It’s not a joke. Author Joshua Green says the Archives ” will be a Mecca for academics…but the biggest beneficiaries may prove to be business scholars and management theorists who are discovering that the Dead were visionary GENIUSES in the wat they created customer value, promoted social networking and did strategic business planning ”. Wow ! All that from a bunch of guys who were high all the time. Green admits this theory ” tends to elicit grinning disbelief ”. Somewhere Jerry is smiling ear to ear.

While the internet is causing tsunamis in advertising by giving everything away for free the Dead were doing it decades ago. You didn’t have to steal their music at a live concert. Just plug into the mote box for a clean sound. Visionary ? The Dead were just giving it away because they believed music was free. So was love. I’m sure the rest of the band is smiling too. I think it was Bob Weir who said every time we planned something it bombed big time, like the concert at the Sphinx and pyramids in Egypt.

Can the VIBE be harnessed and studied in a serious way ? They’re already doing it man. Barry Barnes, a business professor at Nova Southeastern University in Florida says, ” The Dead were masters of creating and delivering superior customer value ”.  Don’t bogart that joint my friend pass it all around. Another scholar quoted in Green’s article, Steve Gimbel, a philosophy professor at Gettysburg College who edited a work titled ” The Grateful Dead and Philosophy ” says ” Revolutionaries get vilified, and then, once they get older they just become cute  ”. ( you gotta check out the Garcia doll ) Gimbel ads ” Once their not dangerous anymore it’s okay to discuss them in serious ways ”. Far out.

The Grateful Dead were ahead of their time and probably everybody else’s. What is now the subject of scholarly research was just a band that did things their own way. Things that hadn’t been done before. It was done because they believed in freedom and they acted on their beliefs. There was a lot of that going on in the 60′s when the Dead started playing their music. They left us a legacy besides their music. Others are just discovering it.

Jerry would probably smile and say something scholarly like ” That’s cool ”.

Jerry Brown is running for governor of California again…File it under Hot Tub Time Machine.

By the time health care reform is passed we’ll all be dead.

Prevent teen age sex abuse…Don’t let your kids become congressional aides.

Instead of prison for Jihad Jane let’s make her go to tea party meetings.

My wife thinks President Obama is cute when he gets mad.

I think other little kids must have beaten up little Karl Rove…Good for them.

Why doesn’t Dick Cheney take Karl hunting ?

Congress fights hard for jobs…Their own.

I’m ” sick ” of hearing we have the best health care in the world.

Fox News is fair and balanced…Balanced to the right and not fair to anyone else.

We lost an hour of sleep this morning because of daylight savings…Another example of creeping socialism.

Israel is building more settlements in disputed territory…I guess the housing crisis is over.

Tom Durfey

Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown is the male Sarah Palin.

John McCain is the befuddled old grandfather who can’t find his hat even though he wasn’t wearing one.

New York Governor David Paterson is the nice guy trying to be your best friend but you just want him to go away.

Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich just won’t go away.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger stopped working out. It shows in his poll numbers.

House speaker Nancy Pelosi is like the annoying aunt who keeps licking her fingers and tries to rub dirt off your face. Yuck !

Congressional republicans are like substitute teachers. You like making fun of them but you’re not really learning anything.

Senate democratic leader Harry Reid is the nice uncle who bought you an expensive gift that you really don’t want.

Joe Biden is always good for a laugh.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford keeps apologizing for something we don’t care about.  

Congress is like a high school reunion that you don’t want to go to.

President Obama is like the prom king who found himself at a beer drinking frat party.

Tom Durfey

Perhaps it died there and then but we refused to let it go. The dream would never die we told ourselves. Dreams become memories. They were rekindled for us and the Kennedys when we passed the mantle to Barack Obama. But now President Obama has hit his biggest hurdle with the election of a republican to the old Kennedy senate seat. We didn’t see it coming. Shots rang out again. As that Irish senator from New York Daniel Moynihan said so long ago, ” there’s no point in being Irish unless you know that some day the world is going to break your heart ”.

The Kennedys broke our hearts like a first love. There will never be another. But we had them once. John Kennedy liked to quote the New England poet Robert Frost at the end of his speeches…” The woods are lovely dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep ”. The Kennedys sleep now. They are gone.

It was a heck of a ride wasn’t it ?

Tom Durfey

Alice…Sarah Palin

The Mad Hatter…Teddy Roosevelt

The March Hare…George W. Bush

The Door Mouse…Scott Brown

When Alice arrived at the tea party the Mad Hatter was asking riddles. ” Speak softly and carry a big stick ! What is it ? ”. ”What’s what ? ” asked Alice. ” The answer to the riddle ! ” said the Mad Hatter. ” A very quiet Hockey game ? Ya know, hockey stick ! ”. ” No you idiot ! It’s how you lead the country ”. ” I wanted to lead the country ” said the March Hair.  ” You led it into the biggest recession since World War II ! ” the Mad Hatter told him, ” You are a walking weapon of mass destruction ! ”  Door Mouse, do you know the answer to the riddle ? ”.  ” Become the 41st GOP senator and say no to health care ! ”. ” No No No ! Don’t you have anything to offer ? ”. ” My daughters are available ”.

The Mad Hatter was getting mad and asked another riddle. ” What is it that every reform movement has ? ”. ” A pick up truck ? ” said the Door Mouse. ” You’re getting warm ”. ”  ” I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5 pound largemouth bass in my lake ” said the March Hare. ” Do what you can, with what you have, where you are ” sighed the Mad Hatter. ” For some reason a different standard applies for the decisions I make “ said Alice. ” Then you should say what you mean,’ the Mad Hatter said. `I do,’ Alice hastily replied; `at least–at least I mean what I say–that’s the same thing, you know.”  ” No ! ” thundered the Mad Hatter, ” What every reform movement has is a lunatic fringe !”.

The tea party got quiet. The March Hare hung his head. ” Like Cheney and Rove ” he mumbled to himself. ” Like posing nude for Cosmo ” whispered the Door Mouse. ” Like quitting your job after you asked people to vote for you ” said Alice. The Mad Hater wasn’t so mad anymore. He had forgotten more about reform movements then the others would ever know. He believed in the best of people. He also knew they could easily get lost from the ideals they held when the crowds cheered. He thought his tea party guests were good Americans. But they had lost their way. The Mad Hatter was tired of the tea party and started to leave. ” This is not a riddle, ” he told them, ” A vote is like a rifle, its usefulness depends upon the character of the user ”.

Note…My thanks to one of my favorite writers and the author of Alice In Wonderland Frank Baum. Quotes from the tea party guests are from them.

Tom Durfey